This was almost an inevitability and I think it is time this is addressed.
It does make me wonder how these programs manage to attract millions of viewers ever year. I mean come on it's just the same thing every year. In fact, I think I have come up with the RECIPE FOR A SUCCESSFUL TALENT SHOW...Simon Cowell knows it, that's why he looks so smug all the time. Inside that head of his is a little voice which is saying "Look at all these people on stage! Thinking they are really going to make it, voted for by millions of people at home actually thinking they are making a difference!"
Anyway, where do we start. Firstly we need a presenter...
Take your pic from:
Any will do, let's face it, they are all interchangeable. My pick would be Holly because she has nice boobies.
Next up are judges:
Such a ridiculously diverse group of people with vastly differing levels of success and authority to detect 'talent'.
Next up we need an overly dramatic trailer for the program with songs like this in the background:
Because this program IS that important it needs some operatic theme to the end of the world to back it up. Okay so we have some judges and we have a presenter. What we need now is timing. How about September. Just a convenient start time so it ends around...surprise surprise...Christmas! Yeah! As if Christmas wasn't commercially exploited enough, Simon Cowell is creeping around behind Santa slipping CD's of "the winner" of the program into his sack. Merry Christmas everyone, here is Joe McElderry with a standard, generic song by a guy you will never hear from again.
It's contestant time people. Here is what we need here:
- A man that is clearly about thirty/forty years older than everyone else. There will only be one of them, even though shit loads would have "applied". Only one is needed so when we see him we think "HAHAHAH LOOK AT THAT OLD GUY AWWW BLESS HIM".
- The Leon Jackson/Joe McElderry figure. A young naive lad with a head full of air and a future full of delusion. This guy WILL cry and will have a voice you want to contract mutism. He will be good looking, have not a single facial hair, have a strangely expensive looking haircut considering they work down the road at a chippy or offering his Mummys soup down at the local soup kitchen.
- An overweight woman. Michelle McManus anyone? Remember her? The fuck happened to her? Anyway its not really important and to be honest who really cares? We need these women so we can look at her and think "Do you know I really respect that, all these female singers these days are so anorexic looking and she is showing that you don't need to be skinny to be famous" blah blah whatever. You might be a good singer my love, but you are really only there for one thing
- The rapping female teenager. Cher Lloyd, and those two from Little Mix. Those people who represent the current celebration of R'n'B and to contrast the classical ballads that our Leon Jacksons will be singing. Gotta cover all genres here. Not everyone will like these girls, and the older audience will absolutely detest them. What happens when you detest something you can get rid of? You spend money to get rid of it. He's not stupid is Ole Cowell!
- The boy band. Go on Louis, say it "You guys are the next Westlife" yeah okay. Oh sorry Louis you weren't finished: "We know Girls are gonna LOVE you" and then we hear the sound of a murder in the back row or it seems that way considering the eardrum shattering screams we hear. I've pretty much covered the purpose of the boyband there.
- The girl band. Little Mix actually won the last X-Factor just as Girls Aloud were disappearing and everyone was sick of the various stages of the Sugababes. The Saturdays were getting boring so it was just the right time for another band. One for the boys this one, and 7 year old girls.
- The middle aged woman. This woman WILL have kids. It is mandatory. If the woman doesn't have kids, she will make it nowhere near even the auditions. One of them might be disabled. That'll help. Oh if that kid can show up to the audition that'll help you too.
Okay those will do for our little band of contestants. Everyone else in the show are just expendable normal people with nothing special and are only there to make up the numbers.
Now, we need some background music. Music that is played during the audition sequences when they are showing cityscapes of Birmingham, Leeds etc. Music that is played when they are interviewing the above dickheads and more. You are guaranteed to find instrumentals/songs such as:
Okay so we pretty much have everything. What we need now is some cliches from the judges:
- "I didn't like it......I loved it!" we hear this every fucking time and every time the reaction from the audience is the same. "Boooo how dare you not like him/her/it I can't beleive you Simon you are a bastard I hope you suffer the same fate as Mufasa from the Lion King....oh you were joking! Oh we were so deceived! That's not hard though because we are all wankers with nothing better to do than this and have the IQ level of the stampeding antelope that ran over Mufasa from the Lion King. Yay! Oh Simon you are such a card!"
- "I don't think you are ready" Well of course they are not fucking ready. This time yesterday they were elbow deep in dog shit at the kennels down the road. Nobody on that show is "ready" for what they go through on there. None of them have obviously performed live on television in front of millions of people. The whole point is that you make them ready. But oh no, you won't want to hear or see from them ever again once your contract with the show runs out and you get your paypacket.
- "I'm going to agree with..." This kind of ambiguity from the judges is just so irritating and is obviously there to create tension but saying who they agree with instead of just saying a name is very tedious.
- "Poor choice of song" This makes me laugh. You have a guy who has belted out ballads "perfectly" for the past 3 weeks, then you give him something different to do and "the song choice was awful" well perhaps they were trying to show the versatility of the contestant? We hear it a dozen times every season.
So throw in a couple of "lockdowns" because there is a tie in the voting and we have a show.
Oh and about the voting. Now obviously this is just me speculating. I really do not think votes make a slight bit of difference at all. In fact I bet I can easily predict what will happen in the next show:
-Find the people listed above, add all this dramatic effect, pick a winner and mould the show as dramatically and controversially as possible leading up to the point where this person wins.
-The ugly people will disappear and we will only have the young attractive ones at the end (even if the ugly ones can sing a hundred times better)
- The winners single will be shown actually being manufactured at a factory as if we need proof of its existence
- Simon will stop an audition halfway through and suggest a better song
- Judge A will for no reason other than for entertainment disagree with Judge B
- A contestant will undergo a little problem during the week like fall of a building or get hit by a train but will be FINE for the performance as if nothing has happened
- The presenters will banter with the judges and it will be the most "hilarious" television moment in history
- A contestant will be accused of cheating, having sex, drugs or whatever by a tabloid
- A voting scandal will pop up, and the headline "fiX factor will appear on tabloids"
- The winner will disappear from the face of the Earth whilst the runners up will go on to have successful music careers.
- Four or more individual and young contestants will be blackmailed into forming a group or face elimination from the contest.
- The judges will say no to someone, then we will hear "we made a mistake" and they will then sent a horse delivered telegram to them saying they are indeed through
- We will hear during the selection process for the live shows:
- "It's not good news...it's great news!"
- "I'm sorry...but you're going to have to put up with me a bit longer, you are through!"
So there you have it. Throw all of the above together and you have a singing talent show. A very simple recipe to make millions of bucks. Shame Simon got there first isn't it?
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