Station 6 - It's not my fault, it's never our fault

Station 6 - It's not my fault, it's never our fault

What it says on the tin really. People whose egos and over-inflated opinion of themselves for some reason creates an imaginary immunity from them ever doing anything wrong. Here is an example:

http://www.thescarboroughnews.co.uk/news/local/women-set-alight-by-fancy-dress-outfits-1-4967520

Here is a quick run down of this, actually quite hilarious story:

- Two Scarborough women are in hospital awaiting skin grafts for second degree burns after their fancy dress costumes caught fire at a party.

- After only 10 minutes at the party disaster struck as a camping fire, used to heat a gazebo, set alight part of Valerie’s costume when she unknowingly sat beside it.

- Following their ordeal, and with Halloween and Christmas fast approaching, the women are warning people of the dangers of buying fancy dress costumes online.

FUCK YOU!! Sorry Ladies, but if it isn't obvious to you that GRASS SKIRTS are FLAMMABLE you have nobody to blame but yourselves. 

How the fuck can you "unknowingly sit beside" a campfire?? If you were that close for it to incinerate you, you would think that you would be aware of being near it. Stupid woman. 

Just look at their faces in the picture. Doesn't it just make you smile? They just look like the exact kind of people who walk into a supermarket, get something wrong like a deal, then blame the fucking supermarket because they don't have the ability to read a damn sign. The prices are on the labels folks, read them, then you won't complain about the price when you get to the checkout. Those kind of people who too busy gawping at their phones to not notice a dislodged paving slab in the street and then blame the council when they face-plant the floor.  Those kind of people who let their children run around a supermarket or ride around on their fucking scooters and blame the supermarket when they have a head on collision with a shopping trolley (just the other day I saw a kid wearing nothing but shorts running around. Fucking idiot parents. 


I don't know why people just can never admit they are wrong about things. There's nothing wrong with being wrong, it's how we learn. Learn from mistakes. If you just instantly dismiss all responsibility and blame it on something/someone else, you'll just end up doing it again. Then again you might enjoy it, as I'm sure some people do. I'm positive some people LOVE the conflict and excitement it creates in their sad boring little lives to just have a good blame. 

So Ladies, next time you buy a fancy dress costume and it magically erupts into flames when you sit next to a campfire, don't blame the internet, blame your own lack of common sense and complete lack of spacial awareness. 

Just one more thought on that story...if you needed a campfire to keep warm, WHY THE FUCK YOU WERE IN HAWAIIAN COSTUMES? Morons. They deserved it. 

Station 5 - People who are happy being Stupid

Station 5 - People who are happy being Stupid

Now, this bugs me to the core and frustrates me to no end. Those people, who are perfectly content not knowing anything useful and  think it is "cool" to be mind numbingly stupid. 

An example of this, is when comedy panel shows have an ex-Big Brother "celebrity" (visit the celebrities station) who is asked a question, and they say something so obviously wrong and the audience laugh at how stupid he/she is. These people are getting paid to be stupid!! Probably more money than some actual intelligent hard-working people!! But why is it that these people make it on to our televisions? 

Because SOME of the British public are that bloody moronic and idiotic enough to sink to their level of stupidity and laugh at every useless, bullshit syllable that escapes their worthless mouths.  

It is like when some idiot spouts up about something, then a person says something which argues against their point intelligently, then the idiot slates the point purely because they don't understand what has been said. Instead of asking for an explanation, they childishly laugh at them and actually CRITICISE them for how intelligent and knowledgeable they are. 

Drives. Me. Crazy. 

So to people who do this, fuck you. Your stupidity is NOT funny and I hope your little species of ignorant, useless little unevolved delinquents die out very, very soon. 

It isn't cool to be stupid. 

Station 4 - Buying chairs on a Sunday for a reasonable price

Station 4 - Buying chairs on a Sunday for a reasonable price

Not to bore you with the reasoning of the requiring of needing two chairs, but quite simply we have guests tonight, and we only have two chairs. 

So. I set out on an Indiana Jones scale quest to find two intact, reasonably priced chairs so our guests have something to sit on whilst they eat. Sounds simple doesn't it? In a town with about two dozen charity shops and four or five furniture stores this task shouldn't be difficult at all. 

As I walked around my wonderful hometown I came across my first possible vendor of chairs. A little charity shop. Alas! Outside were two chairs. Except one of them was broken. The fuck is the point in that? Ten pounds for the two of them. What do I do give one of my guests the intact one and give the other one to the one I don't like as much? That's not a chair! It's a damn manslaughter charge. I'm all for charity but not a charity that sells death traps. 

The quest continues...

As I continued to walk around I noticed how many charity shops were closed on a Sunday. Why? Surely the most charitable people out there are church goers who, conveniently for charity shops, are out and about for reasons I don't understand. Surely this is your market isn't it? "In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive."  (Acts 20:35 ) Damn churchgoers. I blame you that I don't have chairs. From now on I demand you be as charitable as your preaching suggests so charity shops are open so I can buy some damn chairs on a Sunday. 

The quest continues...

By now I beginning to wonder why a simple household furniture item was becoming increasingly hard to find. I eventually came across a rather large furniture shop. I had my earphones in so I had an excuse to ignore pissed off, lost tourists asking me how to get to the beach as if the North Sea isn't quite big enough to see with the naked eye. So in I went, about 10 feet in I heard a little "beep beep". Which annoyed me because I heard it above my music, it then dawned on me that I would soon be approached by the owner of this store wondering if he could help me. "Hello there Sir". Fuck you. Don't call me Sir. Do I look like a Sir? A hot, sweaty, flustered guy who badly needs a shave and ginger hair that still thinks it's in bed? In fact I feel like you are calling me Sir ironically and therefore I feel quite offended. "Can I help you?" Well. I'm in a furniture shop and I need some chairs. One would think I can go about this task with relative ease wouldn't you say? I thought I better let him do something so I asked him for some chairs. "Oh, we don't seem to have any chairs at the moment". Right. You don't have any chairs. In this massive furniture shop, you don't have any chairs that I can buy on their own. Oh no, I have to buy the table as well. I don't want the fucking table. Fair enough if I buy a chair it wouldn't be a set, but you would think they would have some chairs to buy on their own. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am deluded thinking I could buy chairs from a furniture shop. So after apologising to me for this unforgivable lack of chairs, he said to me "Come again". Hang on a second there. Come again? You want me to come again to this shop that fails on its purpose? If I wake up one morning and think "Hmm, I feel like being let down, disappointed and unbelievably confused" then yeah I definitely will COME AGAIN. Until then, fuck you and fuck your table and chairs sets. 

The quest continues...

My last hope. A large department store which I will not mention the name of because it's historical resonance in this town seems to be sacred for some utterly unknown reason and that stupid flag fluttering about on top of its completely unnecessary tower doesn't help. So in I went, the smell of mouldy carpets hit me, and I was eyed by this shop assistant in a way that made me think he was thinking "Better keep me eye on him". Sorry buddy, I don't feel like stealing a metric tonne of carpet today. Sorry to disappoint. Browse, browse, browse...a-ha! Perfect, two chairs that would look just lovely in my flat. So I asked a shop assistant how much they were. "These are probably £35 each". What the fuck? How the hell do you end up with such an inhumane price for what is probably the simplest piece of furniture in the home? My guests are just two normal friends of mine, they are not the King and fucking Queen of Sudan! Plus, what do you mean "probably", is this some kind of test? Is this the price is right or something? These aren't historical artefacts which are "probably" worth an amount. These are fucking CHAIRS! Your CHAIRS! How do you not know the exact price of something in YOUR department? Is that carpet over there "probably" a hundred quid? Never did like your store my friend, now I like it even less. 

So after leaving that antiquities shop, I gave up.  Fuck it. They can sit on the chairs we already have, and me and my beloved can both sit on our coffee table. That way I don't end up in A+E because one of us broke our necks as a chair broke underneath us, I don't end up with an unnecessary extortionately priced dining table taking about 70 percent of my living room, and I don't feel like I've been ripped off paying "probably" £70.

Station 3 - England fans, Liverpool fans and delusion

Station 3- England fans, Liverpool fans, and delusion

Apologies to those who don't follow football as much as I do, or don't follow it at all. 

Football is all about debate and controversy and I thought I'd throw my two cents in here. 

I cannot be doing, I cannot stand, the England National Football Team. I swear you walk into a pub of people watching a Sunday afternoon league game and inform them that there is an "International Break" coming up, their reaction will be similar to missing your last bus. A sort of, "for fuck sake" kind of thing. Why?

Because the only people who give a fuck about the national team are people who don't support a club. No really, they don't. They don't even follow football. They just think "If I just support England then nobody will hate me"

Well..

Put down that white and red facepaint, take off that stupid hat, and either support a club, or get the fuck out. Don't pretend to follow football. Don't you find it hilarious that during World Cups people who don't even know who Everton football club are, are suddenly geniuses on football? "Come on England!" fuck you. I support the opposing team because the sooner England are kicked out the less chance of the players of MY club have of getting injured. That's right, I'm club before country any day of the week. Does that make me unpatriotic? No of course not, I support an ENGLISH CLUB. 

The players don't wanna be there, if they did, if they did it for "national pride" then not one of them would be seen gormlessly staring into space as mute as a squashed toad when the national anthem plays. They'd probably actually win something once in a while. 

It made me laugh when people criticized Rooney for saying "nice to see your own fans boo you", not because of what he said, but if you have that amount of SHEER STUPIDITY to pay for return flights to South Africa, a hotel for about 4 weeks, travel to all the stadiums PLUS tickets JUST to watch England play, then you have no right at all to criticize anyone. A fool and his money go seperate ways. You could have probably bought a season ticket to watch Manchester United (or the team of your choice) with great seats with that money. You could probably pay for a brain transplant too. 

England fans, get a life. Get a club. Stop wasting your time. 

Now, speaking of wasting time, here be the part about LIVERPOOL FANS. 

Okay, generalising, apologies. Not all are like this, but those that are...

GET A GRIP ON REALITY YOU DELUDED MORONS AND STOP BLAMING OTHER COMPLETELY UNRELATED FACTORS AND START BLAMING YOUR OWN TEAM FOR HOW SHIT YOU HAVE BECOME. CORRUPTION IN FOOTBALL BY MANCHESTER UNITED IS A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION AND IS JUST A DEFENSE MECHANISM CREATED BY REPRESSED MEMORIES OF EVERY MATCH YOUR SHOWER OF SHITE PLAY. 

That, is genuinely all I have to say about that. 

Station 2 - Celebrities and Magazines

Station 2 - Celebrities and Magazines

This irritation spawns from walking past these brightly coloured, therefore hard to not notice, covers of these glossy magazines like heat. 

What the hell is all this following, all this constant in our faces prying into the lives of celebrities? The fuck is a celebrity anyway? Even that word annoys me. Celebrity. We just can't escape it can we? What does TV do to shows that aren't entertaining enough with normal people like me and you? They just throw CELEBRITY infront of it, these entertainers...and guess what! It becomes VASTLY less entertaining because we know exactly what they are going to say and exactly what they are going to do! How is that MORE entertaining? I like unpredictability. One time I was watching this gameshow called Golden Balls, and at 17:15pm or thereabouts, this woman called another woman a "bitch". Now, would celebrities do that? Course they wouldn't! Because they are held up by strings, yes, held up by the marionette gepettos called the magazines. 

Every time Russell Brand gets a new love interest...people fucking write about it! Why? Who is paying these people to write about this saturated load of bullshit? Fuck Russell Brand and everyone who likes him. I don't for the life of me understand why these team of editors, researchers, "writers" think we need to know or care about this. 

I will say it, if you read that utter slime, you don't deserve the ability to read because you are wasting your own eyesight and you should donate your sight to blind people who would kill (preferably people who read celebrity magazines) just to read the words of Dickens, and Shakespeare. REAL writers.

Don't stop there though, because even without eyes you are still exposed to the celebrity anti-world through...CELEBRITY NEWS on television. What is that exactly? Celebrity News. When Britney Spears shaved her hair off it was as if she had fucking died. (Even then it still would be hard pressed to be news) Let her shave her hair off! Let her shave her damn face off for christ sake! She's a grown woman. Fuck her. Who cares.

Apparently the Earth is being bombarded by meteors and asteroids every day. Loads of them. Why do they never hit anything useful? "Meteor the size of a car hits Heat magazine building" GOOD! Useful asteroid. "Meteor the size of a town hall hits News International building" GOOD! Useful asteroid. 

I don't believe in celebrities. I don't. That word doesn't exist in my world. I believe in "Exceptional professionals in the entertainment industry". Russell Brand is not one. He sucks. Ed Sheeran is not one. He sucks. Anyone that has anything to do with R'and'B is certainly not one. All these people are, are people who create this unintelligent, boring "material" that could be written by a 13 year old and sell it to people who are so mindless and have no standards in music and make millions of pounds and dollars from it, and sit in their mansions laughing about unbelievably stupid people must be to part with their money. 

Then there are this other critera, these other people who don't fit in with my criteria "Exceptional Professionals in the entertainment industry". I'll give you an example of one person in this group and you'll know the kind of people I'm talking about. Paris Hilton. Here's another: Kim Kardashian. WHO, THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE? No really, tell me. What have they done? Why are they famous? Sex tapes? Is that what makes you famous now? Is that all we have to do? Did you ever notice how unbelievably STUPID people like those two are? Is that what makes you famous now? Being incomprehensibly stupid? They even have TV shows where the entertainment is derived from how stupid they are. 

If a child came up to me today and said "I want to be famous" I would say okay, don't go to school and let your boyfriend film you whilst he fucks you once you turn 18. Might help to have a super rich daddy aswell. "Don't I have to be talented?" they might ask me. No you don't kid, because talent is extinct and the heart that used to pump out all these glorious artists like The Beatles, Queen, David Bowie, The Rolling Stones, Etta James and so many many more is starting to fail because it's arteries are clogged up with this saturated fat that is the 21st century celebrity movement. 

Stay out the limelight boy, because it'll burst you into flames. 

Station 1 - People who I'd like to throw a bucket of water at

Station 1 - People who I'd like to throw a bucket of water at

My favourite comedian of all time, George Carlin, once did a little speech so aptly named "People who oughta be killed" Now, I have a long list of people who I, wouldn't really like to kill, because that is harsh and I don't fancy spending a couple of years in prison for murder. Throwing a bucket of water over them however will probably do the job. It would vent my frustration at them. So, off we go. The first group of people are...

People who like to tell everyone that they've been to the gym/for a run

Now. We are frequently told by the media and by the government that if we don't exercise we will die. We will die a slow horrible death. Ironic it is then, that reading about these people's gym activity is like experiencing a slow horrible death. I read stuff like "Got up at 7am and then did three hours of spinning, followed by a full body attack". Who the hell gives a fuck? I mean, do they want me to erect a statue of them on the highlands of Scotland of them on an exercise bicycle? Do they want me to respond to their announcement by posting a picture of me laid out on a sofa in my underwear with a games console in my hand and a furiously ripped open bag of wotsits plastered all over my face? 

What is all this new gym bullshit that has suddenly arrived in the scene anyway? "Body Attack". Fuck you. Don't want to have a heart attack? Well, have a body attack instead! "Spinning" Sorry does "having a session on an exercise bike" sound a bit too 90's exercise video? 

Someone the other day actually decided to tell everyone, to TWO decimal places, how far they ran this morning. Why the fuck are you telling us you self-important moron? Clap clap clappidy clap clap. Well done! You ran. What are you running from? The thought that your active-for-attention-and-friends might suddenly forget about you? The thought that you might miss that hilarious socially networked photo where you all pose in your surfdome clothes? 

Don't get me wrong, I promote exercise. It's good for you. Of course it is. What I don't promote is bragging to everyone how much you do. What I don't promote is feeling the need to even TELL people about it. I DON'T CARE.

Now run along, you wanna run by the beach? Go run by an active volcano. 

Here's the next group of people who I want throw a chair at...

Men who don't eat salad because it isn't a manly thing to eat

This frustrates me to no end. I see guys in cafe's/bars/restaurants order double chicken and bacon burgers smothered with testosterone served with a salad, and don't eat the salad. They don't even allow the cold hard metal of their forks touch the homosexuality that is salad. I asked someone why they don't eat salad and they respond with the most ridiculous and brainless explanation for anything ever..."I don't eat rabbit food". FUCK YOU. What are you worried about? Are you worried that if you God forbid digest some lettuce that the great icons of masculinity through time will suddenly rise from their graves and beat you to death with lamb steaks? That the next morning your penis will have turned inside out and you suddenly feel a little enthusiastic about Gok Wan's latest work?

I wonder if James Dean ate salad with his meals? I wonder if Al Pacino, the gangster movie God ever let a cherry tomato pass through his hallowed lips. 

Do you know what the ripped to fuck soldiers of Rome ate? Well I did a little research...obviously they ate meat, but guess what, unlike you pansies and fannies who squirm at the sight of salad like little girls squirm at the sight of worms, they ate vegetables, and fruit, and grains, and nuts, and a hell of a lot of fruit. Now by the way you flex your muscles and raise your two sizes too small t-shirts to show everyone your six-packs, and how you decide to just walk around like some kind of tank and in this context, a roman soldier. I tell you this:

Go choke on a cucumber you vain bastards, you wanna show your six packs off? Go show them off to the pointy end of a roman spear you vain cretins. It's funny how guys like this all think they are god's gift to Women. Yes, in fact you are. You are lumps of playdough that are molded by the mindsets of women who prefer muscular capacity to personality. 

I wonder, what on Earth do those cows eat to get such great leg steaks?


Another group of people who I'd like push in front of a train are...

People who go on, and on, and on about where they have been in the world

I was on the train the other day, not going to tell you where I was going because who the fuck cares? To my utmost displeasure, sat diagonally across from me was this middle-aged Woman, who for pretty much the entire duration of her journey, which was a good hour, did not stop telling her friend about all the places she has been too as if she was some kind of Christopher Columbus-esque explorer. Here is a fact for you to ponder:

- According to Boeing, "Every day more than four million people fly on commercial airlines worldwide. Each year, 1.7 billion people" on 25 million flights

My lady, you flew on an aeroplane to another country? SO DID 1.7 BILLION OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE!! It doesn't make you special, it doesn't make you unique, it doesn't make you a culturally diverse person, it doesn't even make you well traveled. 

And by god, it certainly doesn't make you in any way shape or form, even remotely interesting. 

Come sit next to me on the train, when you have climbed Mount Everest.  

Come sit next to me on the train and tell me about your solo trek through the Amazon rainforest. 

Come share your stories of your expedition to the North Pole. 

Don't ramble on about your trip to Orlando. Do you know how many other people went to Orlando?

Over 60 MILLION. Yes, you are that special. Now why don't you let your head take a trip out the window as we approach the upcoming tunnel?

Here's another group of people who I'd like to see fall over and graze their faces on sandpaper floor...

People who eat pizza with a knife and fork

What the hell is that all about? People going to a pizza restaurant, ordering a pizza, then cutting perfect inch squares with a knife and fork instead of just picking up a slice and eating it like a normal person. 

If you wanted to go to an Italian restaurant and eat something with a knife and fork, order the spaghetti. Order carbonara. DON'T ORDER PIZZA! You pick that up, and you bite it, perhaps coiling a gloriously elastic length of mozzarella around your finger and then putting that in your mouth. In my opinion pizza is the only food that table manners do not apply to. I don't care if you recline in your chair and eat the damn thing with your feet!!

What the hell do these people do when they order a pizza to a place has no knifes and forks? Ask the pizza place to cut it up for them? Ask them to provide a knife and fork? Yeah I'd love to be sat in a car seat cutting a pizza with a knife and fork, I'd love that feeling when the knife pierces the cardboard and impales my leg. But it wouldn't matter, no, because at least people would know that I AM A MAN WITH STANDARDS AND MAY GOD STRIKE ME DOWN IF I TOUCH THIS PIZZA WITH MY BARE HANDS!!

Here are another people who deserve to take up residency in a rocket heading for the sun...

People, who FAFF and just exhibit sheer stupidity

Sweet mother of all that is good in the world. Do I hate, people, WHO FAFF. 

Here are examples of people faffing:

- Walking in to a cafe, an empty cafe at that, and looking around the room asking each other "where shall we sit?" as if it is a life changing decision that will impact the course of history. It isn't, it is where you would like to sit whilst you eat/drink/eat pizza with a knife and fork for at the most, 45 minutes. JUST SIT THE FUCK DOWN! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU SIT! This is not exclusive to to Cafes. People also do it in cinemas and theatres.Call me sad, but I once clocked a person, from the moment they arrive at their seat to actually sitting down...14 seconds. 14 seconds of pure faff. 

- Another depressing tale of faff, is people who for no reason, move seats on a bus. On a journey a while ago, this couple must have moved seats about four times. Why? Why didn't you just sit in the last seat you ended up in, when you got on the bus? Or why didn't you SIT IN THE PATH OF IT?

- Now I am going to try and not be sexist here, but this one only applies to Women. Why...oh why oh why is it, that Women, who have been stood in a queue for five minutes wait until the cashier informs them of the amount they owe, for THEN to engage in what I can only describe as an archaeological quest for their purse? It is like they are shifting tectonic plates to search for their purse. When they finally unearth it, raises another question. Who the hell invented these things? Some of them have 2 different compartments for change, which means the woman then has to rotate the purse through 1060 degrees just to find 27 pence.  

- People who nag you to get ready, then when you are ready, are also ready, but then FAFF for a good ten minutes. 

I think you have the idea of faff there. If I had to define faff it would be:

Unnecessary and time consuming activity which inadvertently irritates someone

Now as for the sheer stupidity, why don't ya'll try these on for size:

- This one comes from a friend of mine who works in a hotel. She sets tables during breakfast depending on how many are in seperate parties. So, table 2 for a couple. Table of 4, for say, a family. Sounds pretty simple doesn't it. Yeah, many time she has told me about a couple sitting on a table for 3 people. A party of 3 arriving at a table for 2 and wondering where the third chair is. SHEER STUPIDITY.

- Little bit grim this one, but bare with me. Every summer we hear about kids who have drowned in lakes, with fences that warn them about swimming in them. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart but I struggle to have sympathy. It is just another example of SHEER STUPIDITY. 

- People who complain about getting wet when it rains. Buy an umbrella. Buy a coat! They don't cost that much! And who are these people complaining TO about the weather? SHEER STUPIDITY.

- People who are such good drivers, who complain about speed cameras clocking them doing 50mph in a 30 zone, or 90mph on a motorway. It's not the camera's fault! SHEER STUPIDITY.

- Those PEOPLE, who think they are angels, by complaining about footballers getting paid more than doctors without any knowledge of either field and how much money is involved. Ask yourself this, just THINK about this, do DOCTORS demand a hundred thousand pounds a week? No? Of course they don't, because what they do is more value to them than money you idiots. What would you rather have, the knowledge of saving lives or a hundred grand a week for playing a sport? SHEER STUPIDITY.