Station 1 - People who I'd like to throw a bucket of water at

Station 1 - People who I'd like to throw a bucket of water at

My favourite comedian of all time, George Carlin, once did a little speech so aptly named "People who oughta be killed" Now, I have a long list of people who I, wouldn't really like to kill, because that is harsh and I don't fancy spending a couple of years in prison for murder. Throwing a bucket of water over them however will probably do the job. It would vent my frustration at them. So, off we go. The first group of people are...

People who like to tell everyone that they've been to the gym/for a run

Now. We are frequently told by the media and by the government that if we don't exercise we will die. We will die a slow horrible death. Ironic it is then, that reading about these people's gym activity is like experiencing a slow horrible death. I read stuff like "Got up at 7am and then did three hours of spinning, followed by a full body attack". Who the hell gives a fuck? I mean, do they want me to erect a statue of them on the highlands of Scotland of them on an exercise bicycle? Do they want me to respond to their announcement by posting a picture of me laid out on a sofa in my underwear with a games console in my hand and a furiously ripped open bag of wotsits plastered all over my face? 

What is all this new gym bullshit that has suddenly arrived in the scene anyway? "Body Attack". Fuck you. Don't want to have a heart attack? Well, have a body attack instead! "Spinning" Sorry does "having a session on an exercise bike" sound a bit too 90's exercise video? 

Someone the other day actually decided to tell everyone, to TWO decimal places, how far they ran this morning. Why the fuck are you telling us you self-important moron? Clap clap clappidy clap clap. Well done! You ran. What are you running from? The thought that your active-for-attention-and-friends might suddenly forget about you? The thought that you might miss that hilarious socially networked photo where you all pose in your surfdome clothes? 

Don't get me wrong, I promote exercise. It's good for you. Of course it is. What I don't promote is bragging to everyone how much you do. What I don't promote is feeling the need to even TELL people about it. I DON'T CARE.

Now run along, you wanna run by the beach? Go run by an active volcano. 

Here's the next group of people who I want throw a chair at...

Men who don't eat salad because it isn't a manly thing to eat

This frustrates me to no end. I see guys in cafe's/bars/restaurants order double chicken and bacon burgers smothered with testosterone served with a salad, and don't eat the salad. They don't even allow the cold hard metal of their forks touch the homosexuality that is salad. I asked someone why they don't eat salad and they respond with the most ridiculous and brainless explanation for anything ever..."I don't eat rabbit food". FUCK YOU. What are you worried about? Are you worried that if you God forbid digest some lettuce that the great icons of masculinity through time will suddenly rise from their graves and beat you to death with lamb steaks? That the next morning your penis will have turned inside out and you suddenly feel a little enthusiastic about Gok Wan's latest work?

I wonder if James Dean ate salad with his meals? I wonder if Al Pacino, the gangster movie God ever let a cherry tomato pass through his hallowed lips. 

Do you know what the ripped to fuck soldiers of Rome ate? Well I did a little research...obviously they ate meat, but guess what, unlike you pansies and fannies who squirm at the sight of salad like little girls squirm at the sight of worms, they ate vegetables, and fruit, and grains, and nuts, and a hell of a lot of fruit. Now by the way you flex your muscles and raise your two sizes too small t-shirts to show everyone your six-packs, and how you decide to just walk around like some kind of tank and in this context, a roman soldier. I tell you this:

Go choke on a cucumber you vain bastards, you wanna show your six packs off? Go show them off to the pointy end of a roman spear you vain cretins. It's funny how guys like this all think they are god's gift to Women. Yes, in fact you are. You are lumps of playdough that are molded by the mindsets of women who prefer muscular capacity to personality. 

I wonder, what on Earth do those cows eat to get such great leg steaks?


Another group of people who I'd like push in front of a train are...

People who go on, and on, and on about where they have been in the world

I was on the train the other day, not going to tell you where I was going because who the fuck cares? To my utmost displeasure, sat diagonally across from me was this middle-aged Woman, who for pretty much the entire duration of her journey, which was a good hour, did not stop telling her friend about all the places she has been too as if she was some kind of Christopher Columbus-esque explorer. Here is a fact for you to ponder:

- According to Boeing, "Every day more than four million people fly on commercial airlines worldwide. Each year, 1.7 billion people" on 25 million flights

My lady, you flew on an aeroplane to another country? SO DID 1.7 BILLION OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE!! It doesn't make you special, it doesn't make you unique, it doesn't make you a culturally diverse person, it doesn't even make you well traveled. 

And by god, it certainly doesn't make you in any way shape or form, even remotely interesting. 

Come sit next to me on the train, when you have climbed Mount Everest.  

Come sit next to me on the train and tell me about your solo trek through the Amazon rainforest. 

Come share your stories of your expedition to the North Pole. 

Don't ramble on about your trip to Orlando. Do you know how many other people went to Orlando?

Over 60 MILLION. Yes, you are that special. Now why don't you let your head take a trip out the window as we approach the upcoming tunnel?

Here's another group of people who I'd like to see fall over and graze their faces on sandpaper floor...

People who eat pizza with a knife and fork

What the hell is that all about? People going to a pizza restaurant, ordering a pizza, then cutting perfect inch squares with a knife and fork instead of just picking up a slice and eating it like a normal person. 

If you wanted to go to an Italian restaurant and eat something with a knife and fork, order the spaghetti. Order carbonara. DON'T ORDER PIZZA! You pick that up, and you bite it, perhaps coiling a gloriously elastic length of mozzarella around your finger and then putting that in your mouth. In my opinion pizza is the only food that table manners do not apply to. I don't care if you recline in your chair and eat the damn thing with your feet!!

What the hell do these people do when they order a pizza to a place has no knifes and forks? Ask the pizza place to cut it up for them? Ask them to provide a knife and fork? Yeah I'd love to be sat in a car seat cutting a pizza with a knife and fork, I'd love that feeling when the knife pierces the cardboard and impales my leg. But it wouldn't matter, no, because at least people would know that I AM A MAN WITH STANDARDS AND MAY GOD STRIKE ME DOWN IF I TOUCH THIS PIZZA WITH MY BARE HANDS!!

Here are another people who deserve to take up residency in a rocket heading for the sun...

People, who FAFF and just exhibit sheer stupidity

Sweet mother of all that is good in the world. Do I hate, people, WHO FAFF. 

Here are examples of people faffing:

- Walking in to a cafe, an empty cafe at that, and looking around the room asking each other "where shall we sit?" as if it is a life changing decision that will impact the course of history. It isn't, it is where you would like to sit whilst you eat/drink/eat pizza with a knife and fork for at the most, 45 minutes. JUST SIT THE FUCK DOWN! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU SIT! This is not exclusive to to Cafes. People also do it in cinemas and theatres.Call me sad, but I once clocked a person, from the moment they arrive at their seat to actually sitting down...14 seconds. 14 seconds of pure faff. 

- Another depressing tale of faff, is people who for no reason, move seats on a bus. On a journey a while ago, this couple must have moved seats about four times. Why? Why didn't you just sit in the last seat you ended up in, when you got on the bus? Or why didn't you SIT IN THE PATH OF IT?

- Now I am going to try and not be sexist here, but this one only applies to Women. Why...oh why oh why is it, that Women, who have been stood in a queue for five minutes wait until the cashier informs them of the amount they owe, for THEN to engage in what I can only describe as an archaeological quest for their purse? It is like they are shifting tectonic plates to search for their purse. When they finally unearth it, raises another question. Who the hell invented these things? Some of them have 2 different compartments for change, which means the woman then has to rotate the purse through 1060 degrees just to find 27 pence.  

- People who nag you to get ready, then when you are ready, are also ready, but then FAFF for a good ten minutes. 

I think you have the idea of faff there. If I had to define faff it would be:

Unnecessary and time consuming activity which inadvertently irritates someone

Now as for the sheer stupidity, why don't ya'll try these on for size:

- This one comes from a friend of mine who works in a hotel. She sets tables during breakfast depending on how many are in seperate parties. So, table 2 for a couple. Table of 4, for say, a family. Sounds pretty simple doesn't it. Yeah, many time she has told me about a couple sitting on a table for 3 people. A party of 3 arriving at a table for 2 and wondering where the third chair is. SHEER STUPIDITY.

- Little bit grim this one, but bare with me. Every summer we hear about kids who have drowned in lakes, with fences that warn them about swimming in them. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart but I struggle to have sympathy. It is just another example of SHEER STUPIDITY. 

- People who complain about getting wet when it rains. Buy an umbrella. Buy a coat! They don't cost that much! And who are these people complaining TO about the weather? SHEER STUPIDITY.

- People who are such good drivers, who complain about speed cameras clocking them doing 50mph in a 30 zone, or 90mph on a motorway. It's not the camera's fault! SHEER STUPIDITY.

- Those PEOPLE, who think they are angels, by complaining about footballers getting paid more than doctors without any knowledge of either field and how much money is involved. Ask yourself this, just THINK about this, do DOCTORS demand a hundred thousand pounds a week? No? Of course they don't, because what they do is more value to them than money you idiots. What would you rather have, the knowledge of saving lives or a hundred grand a week for playing a sport? SHEER STUPIDITY.